Resilience is one of the three most important skills one can develop, combined with (among other traits) creativity and empathy. Especially in severely dramatic and dangerous situations, resilience is key. But it's not enough. Surviving is not thriving. Barely staying alive while giving it your all can only be upheld for so long. More is needed. Furthermore, praising a survivor's resilience can be detrimental. In short: complimenting someone's resilience without matching this with practical support, might do more harm than good. Making informed decisions on what to say and how to choose helpful actions is of vital importance. I'll expand on these issues.

Navigating ongoing trauma

First of all, anyone who experiences intense and prolonged (or even continuous) trauma, is aware of the fact that the duration of the situation is unknown, and sometimes indefinite. This causes your survival instinct to switch on, but also to let it keep orchestrating your body, mind, immune system, and pretty much everything. And yes, if you're able to cope with that for some time, this is proof of tremendous resilience. There is however a caveat.

When someone (or, in case of the current horrific situation in Ukraine, a whole nation) is being praised for being resilient, this might seem as a compliment to the one who is dealing with the intense stress. However positive and empowering someone's motivation for praising resilience might be, in many cases this might also cause frustration in the receiving party. It boils down to this dynamic: if someone says 'you're doing a great job, you seem invincible, keep it up!', this (often unintended, but still) signals a retracting movement in the provider of the compliment. Because 'the victim is doing a great job already', so why would help be necessary? But the reality is that the one in trouble needs help. Lots of it. And immediately. Because intense trauma and imminent danger needs active, decisive, clear and abundant help. You can't win a war on compliments and a group of cheerleaders only.

How could complimenting someone's resilience during hardship detrimental?

1.) It might decrease morale and hope
Not knowing how long hardship will continue takes a gigantic toll on not only endurance, but also, in time, on the willingness to persevere, on morale. Hearing that you're doing a great job barely surviving, sets a precedent for that situation to continue, instead of fixing it with help. On a super large scale, we see this dynamic in action when we see world leaders laud President Zelenskyy for this brave and participating leadership style. Applause is nice. But it won't stop bombs from falling on the houses of your people. And it won't help the president get more energy and/or resources.

2.) It might silence people who need to speak up to get help
Furthermore, praising someone's high resilience level also seems to prevent people in dire straits to fee the liberty to speak up about what's *really* going on. It silences people. Which directly leads to suffering in silence, while losing hope in terms of getting the help that's needed.

3.) It might cause survivors to feel shame about and fear
When someone tells you you're doing a fantastic job at coping, while you're in severe distress, this might trigger shame. Shame about feeling challenged while barely coping ("I should be stronger!", and similar self-lowering thoughts). Fear of failing, while there is a zero margin error for failure; because failure might mean certain death.

4.) It might harm survivors' mental health in the long run (if they survive at all)
When your in the midst of prolonged or even ongoing trauma (things like war, domestic abuse, discrimination last longer than a car accident, for instance), people can suffer from C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). This wreaks havoc on your nervous system, your mental health, it causes intertwined physical and psychological consequences, and it can also decrease your life expectancy (various possible causes). The aftermath often spans decades, sometimes a lifetime. If you combine this with a counterproductive support system whilst the traumatic events happened, leaves survivors with a complex knot of issues to untangle, and heal. Assuming one doesn't want to be a negative factor in someone's healing journey, it's wise to educate yourself and to choose your methods of helping wisely.

"So what do I DO and SAY to resilient, brave people who are in the midst of horror?"

Being resilient is fantastic, and it may keep you alive longer than without this crucial skill. But help is needed. In terms of acknowledgment, concrete facilitation of resources, and support to keep it up. Side by side. Someone in danger needs an ally - preferably plural - who stands side by side. Don't just email your support. Do something. Prove that you're acting WITH the one in trouble. Especially when lives are in danger. You may compliment someone's strength and level of resilience, for sure. As long as you also step in, and prove your support by inspired and clear, useful action.

When you're witnessing intense trauma, on a personal or a larger scale, a normal response is acting on the need to want to support. It’s normal to feel the urge to act, especially when feeling powerless. There are various levels of support in this regard. There’s the social media 'like'. There’s the signing of petitions. There’s the donating of physical resources or money. There’s volunteering.

And then there is...the variant of #howcanImakethisaboutme. We can (unfortunately, in my opinion) see this on social media timelines, where influencers post a Ukraine related hashtag, while showing off their new yoga moves, solving long arguments and showcasing this to garner applause, or rather narcissistic fuel. Or complaining about the fact that their postponed trip to Italy will get postponed again. Or Hollywood stars trying to pitch their accomplishments in the slipstream of a raging war. Or influencers digging deeper into the emotional wounds of Putin’s childhood. Things like that are utterly useless, detrimental. and fail miserably in any attempt to signal anything remotely resembling empathy.

Foreign celebrities in war zones

Another tricky populistic media symptom in times of crisis, is the odd habit of sending celebrities to targeted areas. Famous presenters going to the borders of war zones, to conduct tear jerking interviews with victims. To collect money for aid. Why does anyone wish to see these interviews by celebrities? Leave the journalism to JOURNALISTS, who actually risk their lives in war areas on a daily basis. They inform us all to the best of their professional abilities, with checked, solid facts, including video materials. For instance, the brave and thorough contributions of Orla Guerin for the BBC. You know what you need to know. There are many social media lists where you can read and watch current events. War isn’t entertainment. We don't need celebrities to tug our heart strings, or to make us understand that war victims and survivors need help. Instead, help experienced help organisations help victims. They know what to do. Just. Help. Them.

Communal narcissism is rampant, also in these dark times. Dr. Todd Grande explains what communal narcissism is, and how to recognise it. Jochen E. Gebauer, Constantine Sedikides, Bas Verplanken, and Gregory R. Maio (researchers at the universities of Berlin, Southampton, Bath and Cardiff) share their insights on this topic in this publication. Communal narcissism is insidious and downright counterproductive. It lets people get in the way of helpers, and of what’s needed.

The only celebrity that actually is in the exact right location, is President Zelenskyy himself. This brave, brave man embodies the truth of people having various facets, and can excel in more than one area. Heroes can emerge from anywhere. Comedians are not 'unlikely heroes', but complete human beings with deep, profound traits, like any other person. Professional, father, lover, friend, powerful adversary, brave protector, creative mind, carer, leader. And I can't wait for him to hug his precious family.

Choosing your actions wisely

When you want to help someone who's in the throes of terror, choose your methods wisely. Educate yourself on what's needed in that particular situation. Don't reinvent the wheel when there are already effective measures in place. Contribute to what works. And whatever you decide to do: don't get in the way of experienced helpers. They know what works, they know what to do, and they know how you can donate any resources you'd like to provide. If the situation is unprecedented, reach out to people who might know more, and team up. Talk and think it through, and listen to the people who actually need the help. If they say: "we need help here now, because we're being bombarded", this means that sending blankets wouldn't have to be your top priority. If they say "we need functioning laptops to stay in contact with our allies and secure our resources and information supply", you know you can send money to an NGO that supplies people with laptops in the area. If they say "we need you to tell your own president(s) to help us with resources A, B and C", you know what to do. Listen well. Act accordingly. A few suggestions for practical things that might be helpful:

Follow instructions shared by official helping NGOs. If they advise you not to send goods from your country but rather financial aids, please decide to wire money to the NGO. In many cases, there are blankets and sweaters and band-aids. Sending it over takes resources and transport. Which might clog roads, if raods are accessible at all. Roads that are necessary to help refugees out of the country. Money goes a long way, and NGOs can allocate funds to buy the necessary items locally.
Reach out to local NGOs and ask what they need.
Listen to survivors, and notice what they say they need.
if/when possible, take over a practical task, so that the survivor can get some sleep.
Book & pay for a room (but don't travel, of course!) at a Ukrainian AirBNB, so that the person who rents rooms, gets income fast and secure. A great creative way to support people directly! Found this creative idea here.

Whatever you do, avoid making your acts of helping about you. True helping isn't about you. At all. Ever.

Choosing your words wisely

Words can build people up, or tear them down. It takes radical empathy and genuine curiosity to get some sense of what's acceptable to share with someone who is dealing with trauma. A few suggestions, that vary in relevance according to different situations:

"I see you. I hear you." Validate their experience.
"How can I help?" Speaks for itself.
"What do you need?" Don't assume and fill in the blanks. Ask them what should fill the blanks instead.
"What would help your mission, and what can I do to help make this happen?" Prove that you are their ally, by concrete action. Stand next to them.
"How are you doing right now?" Short term check-ins match continuously changing situations."
"I don't know what to say, it's bizarre and crazy intense. But I'm here."

Another purposeful act of communication might be to support survivors' coping skills and strategies (when/if helpful), like humour (however odd it may seem in a time like this). Ukraine’s Vice Prime Minister Mykhailo Fedorov launched the campaign 'Send Putin to Jupiter' (the campaign website was unfortunately taken offline shortly after). The concept was: donate $2.99 to send Putin to Jupiter, and the proceeds go to the rebuilding of destroyed infrastructure. Comic relief counts, and helps people cope, and help them keep spirits up, and believe in a better, safe future. It might also help financially.

Don't:

compare their situation with what you've been through. Again, it's not about you. At all. Ever.
mention someone who went through something similar (or "worse", whatever that may mean) and got out of it successfully. Just don't.
say "I haven't been in touch, but I thought about you!" What's in it for the survivor, really? Zilch.
tweet about all the good deeds you did for so-and-so, or for a country in war in general. Let the good deed be something that speaks for itself.

Help people remain resilient and build more of it, by giving them the mental, practical and moral support they actually need in order to keep going. Many excruciatingly painful hardships are often like marathons, rather than sprints. We’re all trying to navigate this the best way we can, whilst feeling relatively powerless and hopelessly flawed.